He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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