I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
