if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
