I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
