I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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