Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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