i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
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