Soap is not a condiment
home. puking in laundry basket.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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