Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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