i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
