Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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