I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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