Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
