If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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