you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
