Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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