and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
