While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
