and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
