she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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