hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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