I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
