Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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