Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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