I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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