At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I wear drunk well.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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