yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
