I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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