is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize