I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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