I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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