Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
