we were pretty classy up until the second keg
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
