3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
