I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
