I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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