I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
