Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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