i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
