I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
