I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
