I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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