pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
