Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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