we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm getting married
To pizza
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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