I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She's the barista slut.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
