Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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