i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
