u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
