I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I am available for nakedness
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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