I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You pole danced in your parka.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
