I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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