You smell like stripper and shame
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
