I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
