My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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