dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
