I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
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