I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
