Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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