I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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