Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
